Avoid these introduction problems on test day.
SHELL INTRODUCTIONS
A shell introduction (false introduction) begins with a sentence the test-taker has memorized. On test day, the test-taker starts his/her introduction with the memorized sentence. Why? To impress the writing raters, and get a higher score. A shell introduction begins with a sentence like this.
It goes without saying that if power rests in the hands of the minority, the majority will have no recourse but to rise up and reclaim what is rightfully theirs in a fashion that would do their forebears proud, for if no action is taken, tyranny will prevail and Lady Democracy will have been banished into the endless night, forever.
You're a TOEFL writing rater. By now you're saying, "That's pretty fancy English. Sounds like Charles Dickens. And not one grammar mistake. Wow. Why is this person taking the TOEFL test? Hmmm."
Next, read the same sentence with an added opinion. Notice anything?
It goes without saying that if power rests in the hands of the minority, the majority will have no recourse but to rise up and reclaim what is rightfully theirs in a fashion that would do their forebears proud, for if no action is taken, tyranny will prevail and lady democracy will have been banished into the endless night, forever. I am agree. A new airport is good for my home town.
This is what's called a "shell introduction." Why is it a shell? Because the first sentence is perfect English, grammatically complex (obviously written by a native speaker) while the second sentence, in contrast, is too simple. It's like apple apples apples, then bananas bananas bananas. Conclusion? The first sentence is a shell while the opinion was obviously written by the test-taker. What is the connection between "tyranny" and "a new airport"? I have no idea. Neither will the writing raters. This will result in a lower score.
Remember: Avoid shell introductions. The raters know this trick and look for it.
LACK OF A TRANSITION
Look at this introduction. Can you spot the problem?
Every second of every day Americans drink 1,5OO bottles of plastic water. That's 50 billion plastic water bottles every year. Where does all that plastic go? Personally, I think that people who litter our highways with plastic bottles should be arrested and fined $10,000.00.
This introduction starts off with a shocking hook that uses statistics about plastic water bottles to grab reader attention. Great. I love it. I am hooked. But then something happens. The test-taker states his/her opinion (Personally, I think that people who litter our highways with plastic bottles should be arrested and fined $10,000.00) but something is missing? What? The transition between the hook and the opinion.
Look at the same introduction with a transition between the hook and the opinion.
Every second of every day Americans drink 1,5OO bottles of plastic water. That's 50 billion plastic water bottles every year. Where does all that plastic go? A lot of it ends up beside our national highways. Personally, I think that people who litter our highways with plastic bottles should be arrested and fined $10,000.00.
Better, right? Right. Why? Because of the transition. The transition is critical. It connects the hook and the opinion. The result is greater coherence, a higher independent essay score, and a higher final TOEFL score. See how it all connects?
Now look at ETS's sample essay (see sample ETS essay). Notice there is no transition between the last sentence of the introduction and the sentence before it. This results in a lack of topical unity
Remember: Everyone can write a hook. Everyone can write an opinion. It is the transition that is the real challenge. The Pro knows. I see this mistake every day.
Want to know more about basic and advanced introduction strategies for speaking and for writing? It's all in the book.
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© Bruce Stirling 2010-11
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